Time To Define The Rules!

By Jim Lang

Well kids, after all these years, I keep thinking you all may get a clue about how to act at a karaoke bar. Sadly, it has become painfully clear to me, that unless someone drops a house on many of you, your behavior will continue to rival the depravity of a roman vomitorium. I have seen, with my own eyes, adult human beings in the Portland area behave worse than 6 year olds when the piñata bursts forth with a bounty of cavity causing, artery hardening joy. People in this town treat the karaoke DJ as if he was named Toby, but you just call him 'boy'. Many of you tend to act as if the karaoke microphone is there solely for your personal impression of 'Don't Stop'. The fact that you cannot carry a tune, have already sang three times in the last hour, have not offered as much as a sincere 'thank you' to the DJ, let alone the fiduciary reward she or he has richly earned having graciously tolerated your drunken obnoxious butt for the last two hours, is of no consequence to you.

Seriously, there is simply no excuse for the level of rudeness and the complete lack of decorum here in Oregon, and it must come to a halt, NOW! Simply put, the karaoke DJ does not have the word 'Bitch' tattooed on their foreheads regardless of how much some of you wish it were. Listen carefully my babies, if you do not act decently, we will all continue to see the degradation of the karaoke medium, and perhaps one day the only place you will have left to sing at will be your own living room. (If you live near me, I will find a way to get you put in jail.) So now we will enumerate the rules. Disobey them at your great pain.

1. If you cannot tip both your server and your DJ, STAY HOME! Professionals do this for money, not because they are dying to befriend a moronic drunk.

2. Expect everyone in line to sing after you are done. Cutting in line is rude. We learned that in 1st grade! All of the other singers would like to cut in front of you, but some of them are polite enough not to ask, because they have class. Get some class or stay home.

3. Do not scream on the Mic. If you do so it is irritating to everyone else. Only a jerk or a dote would behave that way. Stop it.

4. Being intoxicated does not excuse rude behavior. If you cannot behave when you drink, go to AA instead of the bar.

5. Do not sing the same songs every week. Over 20,000 songs are now on karaoke discs. Learn some new songs.

6. Behave toward the DJ the way you want others to behave toward you when you are at work. If you do not work, stay home.

7. Do not sing with other people. It throws the rotation out of whack.

8. If some patron sang with his friend, do not blame the DJ for getting the rotation out of whack.

9. Be nice.

10. Cheer for ALL the singers. Oh yeah, dance too. This supposed to be fun!

It may sound like I want a lot of people to just stay home. I do. If the jerks would all go back to fighting each other behind the pool hall, more decent people would be attracted to our karaoke bars. This is such a terrific form of entertainment. Yet in the grand scheme it is still pretty young. I hope in the future the better venues will attract the better patrons. The bottom line is, if you do not like a karaoke bar in your part of town, it may be the customers who need be changed.